Monday, November 11, 2002
The Results Are In
Before I reveal the results of the catfight poll launched here last Thursday, let me say that I “drafted” Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears into this hypothetical battle -- an updated version of the fabled brawl between Chrissie Hynde and Carly Simon, which, truth be told, was more of an assault by the former upon the latter, and which was reported, with painstaking impartiality, here at the Review last week -- without knowing a single thing about either woman.
If you played recordings from both Aguilera and Spears, I would not be able to tell you who performed which selections.
I could not, even if tortured by means approved and authorized by Harvard Law School professor, renowned civil libertarian, and all-around loud-mouth Alan Dershowitz, name even one hit song produced by either singer. (I presume both have had some, perhaps many, hit singles -- Do they still call them that? -- since I’ve actually at least heard of these women.)
If you placed Aguilera and Spears in a line-up, police or otherwise as I’m making no value judgments, I strongly doubt I would be able to find either of them, though I believe I saw at least one photograph of Spears not long ago and may have mentioned that here.
I assumed and continue to assume both women are Americans, but at least one voter said something to lead me to question that presumption.
I have, however, learned from voters, or from them I can at least surmise, that the public perceives there to be a great deal of silicone involved in enhancing and sustaining the careers of both women, though one more than the other. Operating, as I always do, under the covenant of good faith and fair dealing, I’ll withhold the name of the “guiltier” party.
I say all this not to be smug or snide or condescending, but only to assure you that I am a completely disinterested party in this endeavor.
Disinterested . . . Now there’s a word the meaning of which no one seems to know any longer. Ditto, presently. Alas, sometimes the persona of the curmudgeonly editor wielding the feared, reviled, and yet respected red pen -- a.k.a. the “Bone Crusher” -- emerges. But I digress.
So, to the results . . .
Frankly, it wasn’t even close.
By a vote of 68 percent to 32 percent readers said Aguilera would be the aggressor in this match-up, that is, the one who started the fight.
And by a margin of 78 percent to 22 percent those voting in the poll concurred that Aguilera would defeat Spears, with a large portion of the winning side expressing their conviction in what could politely be described as “no uncertain terms.” (At the start of the poll I said votes and comments would remain confidential, which is kind of a shame because I have to say I have some very funny readers.)
The results of the voting were audited by the remnants of Arthur Andersen & Co. (Give me a break. I got a good deal.)
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