The Rittenhouse Review

A Philadelphia Journal of Politics, Finance, Ethics, and Culture

Wednesday, December 04, 2002  

The Price of My Haircuts and the Furrow of My Brow

I thought I would save anyone so inclined the trouble of a little investigative reporting -- “A little what?”, the leading lights of our nation’s media cry out in unison -- and inform you of my own volition that I normally pay $40, plus tips, for a haircut, and I do so every three weeks.

And also, for the record, I have a furrowed brow, a deeply and perpetually furrowed brow, and a brow that has been furrowed -- and thoroughly unfurrowable -- for nearly twenty years.

I assert it is and always has been genuinely furrowed. And since I am some twenty years younger than the similarly encumbered Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass.), a man whose furrowed brow I had not noticed until it was brought to a shocked and disgusted nation’s attention on Sunday, I now wonder whether I am experiencing the repulsive and shameful condition known as “premature furrowed brow.”

In my defense, I believe I inherited my furrowed brow from my father. However, I have not read any studies proving a genetic link to or predisposition toward furrowed brows, as until this week I regarded furrowed brows, including mine, my father’s, and those of countless others, as mere facial traits and not evidence of character flaws, this an ignorant oversight for which I sincerely apologize.

My assertion of the authenticity of my brow’s furrows aside, I will, in preparation for a possible run for the Democratic Party’s presidential nomination, graciously allow second third-rate blogging hack Mickey Kaus to issue the definitive verdict to a waiting nation.

Brows, especially the furrowed kind, and even more so furrowed brows of the “phony” type, apparently are of great importance to Kaus, who, for the record, is balding and has a suspiciously shiny forehead and an unusually small skull.

Thank you for your attention. We may all now return to the critical issues facing this country: former President Bill Clinton’s birthmarks, former Vice President Al Gore’s facial hair, and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi’s jewelry.

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