The Rittenhouse Review

A Philadelphia Journal of Politics, Finance, Ethics, and Culture

Saturday, June 14, 2003  

The Perpetually Self-Referential Capozzola Goes All,
Well, Self-Referential and Stuff

A couple of friendly bloggers, and there really are some, including, on this matter, Peevish and Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics, have asked, slightly petulantly, for an update on the status of my potential campaign against the so-far uncontested (at least from the Democrats) Sen. Arlen Specter (R-D.C.).

So, borrowing, but enhancing upon, a page from Slate, which has been profiling the assumed presidential candidates, I offer the following background information until the next update, which I promise will be published soon.

Name: James Martin Capozzola.

Place of Birth: Bergen County, N.J.

Current Residence: Philadelphia.

Vacation Homes: None.

Age: 40.

Education: B.A., magna cum laude, political science, State University of New York at Albany (1984); M.A., foreign affairs, University of Virginia (1989).

Political Experience: None.

Asserted Achievements: Too many to mention. (Or is it too few?)

Previous Jobs: Stock boy, cashier, typesetter, broadcast transcriptionist, chauffeur, data-entry clerk, salesman, research analyst, securities analyst, research director, editor, writer, blogger. (Note: This covers ages 13 to the present, 40.)

Spouse: None.

Previous Marriages: None.

Children: None.

Pets: One, Mildred, 6 years old [Today!], an English bulldog.

Parents: Robert and Connie. Both still living.

Siblings: Nine: five brothers and four sisters.

Other Family: Ten nephews, four nieces, and two more on the way. All still living.

Religion: Catholic.

Ethnic Heritage: Irish- and Italian-American.

Jewish Ancestry: None known. (Inquiry submitted by the Boston Globe.)

Condition of Brow: Furrowed. Deeply furrowed. Deeply and perpetually furrowed. (Inquiry submitted by right-wing pundit Mickey Kaus.)

Price of Haircuts: Currently cutting his own hair. Previously: Around $35. (Inquiry submitted by New Criterion Broadway musicals reviewer Mark Steyn.)

Hair, Generally: Light brown, never colored, kept short, no signs of alopecia, no gray yet, and almost "Kennedy-esque," as one blogger put it.

Military History: None. Federal regulations prohibit Capozzola from serving in the U.S. armed services. However, as required by law, Capozzola in 1980 registered with the U.S. Selective Service several weeks prior to his 18th birthday.

Medical History: Has been and is being treated for depression, social anxiety disorder, and two other conditions previously mentioned here but subsequently deleted on advice of counsel. (Uh-oh, I see images of former Sen. Thomas F. Eagleton (D-Mo.) lurking in the backs of your minds. We've all outgrown that, haven't we?)

Net Worth: Less than zero.

Campaign Song: "All Star" (Smash Mouth).

Web Sites: The Rittenhouse Review, TRR: The Lighter Side of Rittenhouse.

[Post-publication addendum (June 15): Some minor additional details added at the request of a reader.]

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