Friday, September 19, 2003
MAKING THE ROUNDS
The President’s Resumé
[Post-publication note (September 24): Giving credit where credit is due, I’ve been informed that the piece below was written by Kelley Kramer for BuzzFlash. You can find Kramer’s piece here.]
Looks like Rittenhouse has an anonymous guest commentator today. The post below apparently is making the rounds around the internet today. I didn’t write it and I don’t know who did, but, hey, thanks. And thanks to Professor Pinkerton for sending it along.
GEORGE W. BUSH
The White House
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:
1. I attacked and took over two countries, both of which remain in shambles.
2. I spent the U.S. surplus and bankrupted the Treasury.
3. I shattered the record for biggest annual deficit in history.
4. I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
5. I set all-time record for biggest drop in the history of the stock market.
6. I am the first president in decades to execute a federal prisoner.
7. I am the first president in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
8. In my first year in office I set the all-time record for most days on vacation by any president in U.S. history. After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.
9. I set the record for most campaign fundraising trips by any president in U.S. history.
10. In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their jobs.
11. I cut unemployment benefits for more out-of-work Americans than any other president in U.S. history.
12. I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
13. I appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than any president in U.S. history.
14. I set the record for the fewest press conferences of any president since the advent of TV.
15. I signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than any other president in U.S. history.
16. I presided over the biggest energy crises in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption was revealed.
17. I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history and refused to use the national reserves as past presidents have.
18. I cut health care benefits for war veterans.
19. I set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind.
20. I dissolved more international treaties than any president in U.S. history.
21. I’ve made my presidency the most secretive and unaccountable of any in U.S. history.
22. Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. (The “poorest” multi millionaire, Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her).
23. I am the first president in U.S. history to have all 50 states of the Union simultaneously in a financial crisis.
24. I presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud in any market in any country in the history of the world.
25. I am the first president in U.S. history to order a first U.S. attack and military occupation of a sovereign nation, and I did so against the will of the United Nations and the world community.
26. I have created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history of the United States.
27. I set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any other president in U.S. history.
28. I am the first president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.
29. I am the first president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Elections Monitoring Board.
30. I removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of congressional oversight than any presidential administration in U.S. history.
31. I rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant.
32. I withdrew from the World Court of Law.
33. I refused to allow inspectors to have access to U.S. prisoners of war and by default the U.S. no longer abides by the Geneva Conventions.
34. I am the first president in U.S. history to refuse United Nations election inspectors access during the 2002 U.S. elections.
35. I am the all-time U.S. (and world) record holder for most corporate campaign donations.
36. The biggest lifetime contributor to my campaign, who is also one of my best friends, presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former chairman of Enron Corp.).
37. I spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in U.S. history.
38. I am the first president to run and hide when the U.S. came under attack. (And then lied, saying the enemy had the code to Air Force One.)
39. I am the first U.S. president to establish a secret shadow government.
40. I took the world’s sympathy for the U.S. after 9/11, and in less than a year made the U.S. the most resented country in the world (possibly the biggest diplomatic failure in U.S. and world history).
41. I am the first U.S. president in history to have a majority of the people of Europe (71%)view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.
42. I am the first U.S. president in history to have the people of South Korea feel more threatened by the U.S. than by their immediate neighbor, North Korea.
43. I changed U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts. I set the all-time record for number of administration appointees who violated U.S. law by not selling their huge investments in corporations bidding for gov’t contracts.
44. I have removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any other president in U.S. history.
45. In a little over two years I have created the most divided country in decades, possibly the most divided that the U.S. has been since the civil war.
46. I entered office with the strongest economy in U.S. history and in less than two years turned every single economic category heading downward.
RECORDS AND RECORD-KEEPING:
I have at least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (my Texas driving record has been erased and is not available).
I was AWOL from the National Guard and deserted the military during a time of war.
I refuse to take a drug test or even answer any questions about drug use.
All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away to my father’s library, sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
All minutes of meetings of any public corporation for which I served on the board are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my vice president) attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.
For personal references, please speak to my dad, former President George H.W. Bush, or Uncle James Baker. (They can be reached in their offices at the Carlyle Group where they are helping to divide up the spoils of the U.S.-Iraq war and plan for the next one.)
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James Martin (Jim) Capozzola launched The Rittenhouse Review in April 2002, TRR: The Lighter Side of Rittenhouse, HorowitzWatch, and Smarter Andrew Sullivan in July 2002, and Bulldogs for Kerry-Edwards in October 2004. He is also a contributing member of President Boxer.
He received the 2002 Koufax Award for Best Post> for "Al Gore and the Alpha Girls" (published November 25, 2002). Capozzola's record in the Koufax Awards includes two additional nominations for 2002 (Best Blog and Best Writing), three nominations for 2003 (Best Blog, Best Series, and Best Writing), and two finalist nominations in 2004 (Best Blog and Best Writing).
Capozzola’s experience beyond the blogosphere includes a lengthy career in financial journalism, securities analysis, and investment research, and in freelance writing, editing, ghost-writing, and writing instruction.
He earned his bachelor's degree in political science from the University at Albany and a master's in foreign affairs from the University of Virginia.
Capozzola lives in Philadelphia with his bulldog, Mildred.
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