The Rittenhouse Review

A Philadelphia Journal of Politics, Finance, Ethics, and Culture

Monday, October 06, 2003  

Christmas 2003

Glad, I guess, to see that the `90s are still alive and well at Neiman-Marcus.

The upscale specialty retailer’s Christmas Book arrived in the mail yesterday, the highlight of which is, of course, the annual “His & Hers” gift selection.

So what will the couple with too much money be enjoying on Christmas morn 2003?

Let’s check the catalog:

Nowadays, most couples would love some extra arms and legs to help conquer their ever-expanding to-do list. Our 2003 His & Hers multifunction robots fit the bill quite nicely, thanks.

Someone at the door? Click your remote and send His Robot to check it out. His Robot’s voice circuitry can deliver your greeting, and His on-board video camera gives you a view of the visitor, who can hop onto His platform and be delivered to you in the den.

Need some help getting the groceries into the house? Her Robot is happy to help.

Designed and built at International Robotics, these two are the most advanced adult-size interactive remote-controlled robots out there. Both have on-board computers for user-friendly functionality in daily use. In fact, His Robot is designed to respond empathetically to us humans and features programmable technology.

Need to leave a message for the spouse or kids? Tell it to Her Robot, and she’ll spread the word.

When their power lights signal you, just plug them into any outlet to juice them up to full speed. Our life-size Robots stand nearly six feet tall.

Our exclusive package includes much more, like preprogrammed messages and sequences of movements, and training for the humans.

Okay, now as best I can determine, the His & Hers Robots are tailor made for people who: (a) have too much money (I know, I said that already.); (b) are too friggin’ lazy to answer the damn door; (c) have guests who are too feeble to walk from the door to the living room; (d) can’t be bothered to bring the groceries from the garage to the kitchen; and (e) don’t speak with their children.

Anyway, the His & Hers Robots can be all yours for $400,000.00.

Sure, it’s more expensive than paying a few illegal immigrants under the table, but if you opted for the robots you at least could still be able to become U.S. Secretary of Labor.

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