The Rittenhouse Review

A Philadelphia Journal of Politics, Finance, Ethics, and Culture

Saturday, January 31, 2004  

And I Can’t Wait

For a brief moment or two I actually thought my landlord’s agent, she with the office so far removed from me that I need not, even in this weather, put on a coat to reach it -- as the office, where much make-up is applied throughout the day, is but 300 feet, tops, down the hall -- was unaware that she, or that her employer and their attorneys on her behalf and command, was actually suing me, dragging me into court for what can only be described as a false, faulty, hasty, premature, and frivolous complaint.

But late on Friday afternoon, as is her wont, her inclination, and her penchant, I learned I was wrong. Said agent, she of the sometimes big hair and the thick local accent, is well informed, believe it or not. She knows we’re going to court on February 12. In fact, in Friday afternoon’s scrawled, almost incoherent, note to me, which she slipped under my front door without knocking, she all but bragged about it:

[J]ust to let you know you have a hearing [illegible, unintelligible] next week for the unpaid rent for January, plus late fees[,] and attorney[s’] fees[.] If you don’t show up for the hearing you will get [sic] an automatic judgement [sic] against you. Once you have paid all [of] the balance due I can[’]t [illegible, unintelligible] and all judgements [sic].

(By the way, this, at least from what I assume she was trying to convey, is a lie. The complaint asserts far more than this, alleging faults on my behalf that said agent knew, or should have known, and by any reasonable-man standard would have known, were false no later than January 7, 2004.)

Now, I don’t know whether Miss Thing went to college, let alone graduated therefrom, and I will leave it to you, the reader, to make your own determination based on the simple yet ruined and completely bawlderized, the utterly abominable, sentences quoted above, but I have heard a rumor she holds a certificate in dog grooming, which, in her case, is the equivalent of a Ph.D. in cosmetology or personal hygiene.

You know, I’m actually looking forward to all of this.

Hey, you think I’m being mean? Hell, sometimes being a bitch is all a faggot has to hold on to.

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