Friday, February 06, 2004
THE SPERMIEST
Of the Lucky Sperm
It’s probably best not to ask why, but I recently became engaged in a brief e-mail exchange regarding the film -- and I mean that -- “Mother May I Sleep With Danger,” first broadcast on Lifetime TV, television for women and gay men, in 1996.
My correspondent, L.M., sad to say, has never seen the film, but I have, probably three times. It’s really terrific in that so-bad-it’s-good Lifetime kind of way.
But, appropriately captivated by the title, L.M. rightfully has kept this oeuvre within her sights, though mistakenly operating under the assumption the film starred Melissa Gilbert.
Gilbert, as I’ve said before, is the world’s worst actress, which perhaps explains why she is currently able to serve as president of the Screen Actors Guild. And assigning her this title, the world’s worst actress, is no small deal given the competition (see next paragraph).
You see, “Mother May I Sleep With Danger” actually starred not Gilbert, but Tori Spelling, the spermiest member of the country’s vast (and growing) lucky sperm club, along with the almost unbearably handsome Ivan Sergei.
I would hate to ruin the film for anyone, particularly since it’s likely to be broadcast on Lifetime another six or eight times just this year, so if you’re worried about that, stop reading now, but the film’s climax is rather dramatic. If I remember correctly, it involves a confrontation at an isolated lake where Spelling, rowing hither and yon like an incapable millionairess, kills Sergei with an oar.
Or does she?
I suspect the producers were setting up a sequel, one that mercifully -- or mercilessly, depending on one’s feelings about Lifetime TV movies -- has yet to be made.
We can only hope.
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JAMES MARTIN CAPOZZOLA
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James Martin (Jim) Capozzola launched The Rittenhouse Review in April 2002, TRR: The Lighter Side of Rittenhouse, HorowitzWatch, and Smarter Andrew Sullivan in July 2002, and Bulldogs for Kerry-Edwards in October 2004. He is also a contributing member of President Boxer.
He received the 2002 Koufax Award for Best Post> for "Al Gore and the Alpha Girls" (published November 25, 2002). Capozzola's record in the Koufax Awards includes two additional nominations for 2002 (Best Blog and Best Writing), three nominations for 2003 (Best Blog, Best Series, and Best Writing), and two finalist nominations in 2004 (Best Blog and Best Writing).
Capozzola’s experience beyond the blogosphere includes a lengthy career in financial journalism, securities analysis, and investment research, and in freelance writing, editing, ghost-writing, and writing instruction.
He earned his bachelor's degree in political science from the University at Albany and a master's in foreign affairs from the University of Virginia.
Capozzola lives in Philadelphia with his bulldog, Mildred.
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