Catchy commercials, aren’t they? Those seemingly promising TV ads grabbing the attention of lonelyhearts everywhere?

I’m talking about eHarmony.com, the online dating “service” sponsored, managed, and promoted by cultist “Christian” Neil Clark Warren.

Okay, so I permanently swore off long-term relationships five years ago, but, what the heck, Warren’s on-air pitch is so soothing, so reassuring, I couldn’t help but take a look, particularly since Warren’s TV commercials offer an intriguing 29-point personality profile -- “A 40-dollar value”! -- free of charge. If nothing else, perhaps I might learn a little bit more about that mess walking around with the name James M. Capozzola.

Try it for yourself, just as I did.

Here we go!

For your “free, no obligation” eHarmony personality profile, begin here, Your Free Personality Profile.

Next, click on the button, “Start Now,” as I did.

Of course, you must register to begin, but it appears to be a simple process.

Simply enter your given name in the first empty box that appears, that which asks for “First Name.”

“J - i - m”

So far, so good.

The next empty box is preceded by the prompt, “I’m a . . . Please select . . . :”

The choices are: “Man seeking a woman” and “Woman seeking a man.”

Hmm. Is that it? Just those two options?

Nobody told me this little quiz would be so difficult so soon.

I searched repeatedly for alternate answers to this prompt, but found none.

It appears I’m not good enough for eHarmony, or just plain unworthy, not unlike my not being good enough -- not acceptable -- assuming I were ever to find a “life partner,” for lack of a better word, for the crazy heterosexist people who run the “Sandals” resorts, where, last I checked, no homo guests, even the perpetually coupled, need apply attempt to make a reservation.

Why, I ask, do so many broadcasters, network and cable, national and local, so eagerly line their pockets with the advertising dollars of so blatantly discriminatory enterprises as eHarmony and Sandals, and why do I feel like I’m the only person who cares?

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